27 posts tagged “joke”
I am a farmer who raise ducks and cows. The animals have a total of 9 heads and 26 feet. How many ducks and cows do I have?
Submitted by The BlueTie.
Eight ducks and one cow you were given from a freind who farms downwind form Chernobyl.
Here are web-comics i like, or at leas all the ones i am prepared to admit to seeing my sister can read this blog.
http://www.rcsitravel.net/Archives.html
Code name Hunter: Odd but fun, picture James Bond but played out in a fantasy land of magic that is hidden in plane sight and policed from London.
http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000001.html
Dinosaur Comics: same artwork ever week, relies on good writing to be funny. Has Easter Eggs Too.
http://legostargalactica.comicgen.com/d/20020825.html
Legostar galatica: A sci-fi epic! In lego! join the crew and thier indestructible red-shirt as they boldly go...somewhere. and cause lots of chaos. Has lego and blatantly mocks Star Trek, 'Wars, and 'Gate as well as Naruto and other Manga. also has occasional crossovers with Irregular webcomic. Occasional swearing.
http://www.schlockmercenary.com/d/20000612.html
Shlock Mercenary: A space-opera with a gelatinous life-form that shoots things, eats things, blows things up, and has a plasma gun that goes "ominous hummmmmmm" as it warms up. Very funny, very violent but non-graphic. very fun.
http://www.xkcd.com/1/
http://www.xkcd.com/123/
Xkcd: geek culture at it's finest. Science jokes, nerdy references, centripetal force, stick-men! black and white! it has it all! ALSO look up "men in hats" a webcomic that explains why the stickman with a hat is evil in this webcomic.
http://www.frozenreality.co.uk/comic/bunny/index.php?id=0
Bunny. Just plain weird. Surreal, welsh and with no plot or continuity really, but hilarious, insightful and deep at the same time.
http://www.angryflower.com/
Bob the Angry Flower: Truly the product of an utterly mad mind, and brillant as such. No continuity, no plot, no Mercy! the characters are Bob, the eponymous angry flower, a sentient plank of wood, and a levitating foetus. Need i say more? Probably not suitable for kids. Or adults for that matter.
http://www.graphicsmash.com/comics/digger.php?view=archive&chapter=5028&mpe=1
Digger: One of the best comics on the web ever. Funny, with pop-culture and Pratchett references and excellent footnotes and reader comments. Also surprisingly emotive at times and contains the best working definition of evil you will ever find in a comic. Contains Wombats, and is black and white perfection.
http://freefall.purrsia.com/ff100/fv00001.htm
Freefall: funny, deep, hard-sci-fi in wonderful grey scale (later strips in colour never as good, stick to the grey-scale option) with enough science, humor, emotion and charm to float a boat if not the USS Ronald Regan. A kleptomaniac Alien, a childish robot and a moral Bowman's Wolf try to play their part the the human colonisation of a new world.
http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/1.html
http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/cgi-bin/comic.pl?fivelast=1063&theme=6&bytheme=next
Irregular Webcomic: the pride of the interweb. with the the nerdy of nerdy, geeky of geeky. Lego men and role playing models, occasional drawing and tons of photoshop magic combine to produce something funny, political, intelligent, geeky, Australian and brilliant! Roll-playing! Death of insanely overpowered fireballs! the Allosaurus! Cthulhu! Nazi science sneering! A podcast! Genuinly funny and insightful Polls! Not one but two other webcomics run by the same guy (DMM or Dangermouse). It has it all!
Good ideas or bad, some things you are NOT likely to hear come out of the mouth of any MP for a while...
international
Anything nice about the Amerians, immigration, or the EU. Doubly so for the French
As Britain’s birth-rate is not yet plummeting but is likely to fall drasticaly in the future and more and more native born Brits are emigrating, so actively ENCOURAGE immigration, as it is after all statistically proven that each immigrant has a net benefit to the British economy.
Stop worrying about asylum seekers and actively focus on the thousands of people illegally smuggled into Britain by organised and armed criminal gangs of people traffickers to work as sex slaves, debt slaves and nannies each year.
On the two hundredth anniversary of the ban on the slave trade in Britain, actually do something to free the estimates 28 million people worldwide estimated to be forced to work as slaves today.
Adopt the euro as soon as interest rates make it economically favourable for Britain to do so.
Ratify all EU treaties and push for a European Constitution that represents Britain’s interests as soon as possible.
Education and communication.
Make the Oxford English Dictionary explain why it is “A European” not “An European” despite all the rules of A, An and Vowels.
Whilst they are at it tell newspapers to stop saying “an historic day”.
Use the Trades descriptions act to force certian tabloids to say what they actually are and sell as children’s magazines not newspapers.
Whilst were at it remove any delusions of grandeur the Daly Mail may have. Get over it; you are not a broadsheet.
Protect all the Celtic languages.
Protect English from its apparent decline, but stop worrying to much about dyslexia; bad grammar is far worse than incorrect spelling.
Actually put head teachers in charge of schools.
Scrap SATS but make GCSE’s and A’ levels harder and introduce compulsory IQ testing for all students and teaching staff.
Give more help to dyslexics. For a start make “Dyslexia” easier to spell, perhaps by translating it into English and calling the condition “Bad-Book-ia”.
Stop people creating needless hetroradical words from words originally of pure Greek or Latin original, and stop people pluralising “us” to “i” unless it is correct to do so.
National and farming
Adopt a strong climate change act for industry and government institutions in the UK.
Use are vote in the EU (equal to France_and_Germany as the joint number one voting power) to ensure British winemakers (they do exist) and the makers or Real Ale and Real Cider as well as regional British cheeses get the same treatment as French farmers.
On top of EU subsidies give tax breaks to the producers of barley for British Real Ale, British cider and perry orchards, and the breeders of rare British livestock breads/ makers of regional protected foodstuffs in the UK.
Speed up devolution in Wales,start devolution in Cornwall and the Isles of Scilly, and return Northern_Ireland to rule from Belfast.
Health
PROTECT THE NHS FROM COLLAPSE AT ALL COSTS!
Stop people being so dammed hygienic around their children; They’ll get used to it and group up with week immune systems.
With the exception of smoking. Ban smoking around kids.
Ask doctors not to prescribe so many antibiotics.
Whilst were on the superbug issue, put obsessive compulsive anal retentive lunatics in hospitals and tell them to spray anything they see with disinfectant. You want a 100% clean hospital? Fine, but this is going to sting…
Cut down the amount of paperwork doctors have to do.
Give senior nurses more power in the way the NHS is run; they run it anyway we may as well acknowledge this.
Lower the drinking age to 14, thus cutting down on the numbers of underage drinkers and the pressure for them to drink illegally and therefore without safe supervision.
Cut the acceptable levels of blood alcohol for drivers in half.
Bring back school nurses and cut childhood obesity by putting schools at the top of very steep pedestrianised roads, and give teachers and school nurses the right to put children in detention for disrupting lessons by being too fat.
Make Jamie Oliver the minister for children and both get his programs off TV and stop children eating total rubbish and stop adults watching total rubbish in one fell swoop.
Ban 4x4’s within 2 blocks of all schools, forcing mothers to let their children walk the last bit, thus getting exercise, learning to survive ten minuets without mummy holding their hand and saving the environment.
Scrap student loans; bring back student grants for universities.
Challenge Harvard and Yale to boat races. Not so big now, are you?
military
Don’t scrap trident but cut it down considerably and invest the money in the conventional armed forces and education.
The UK still has hundreds of tiny islands all over the worlds as a relic of empire. Stick long range bombers on all of them or rent them to the Americans and give the rest of the world a real scare.
Improve the special relationship, but make it less one sided. That is to say the CIA should not refuse to let serving British ministers into the USA because they are Muslim like they did last month.
Bully all new EU nations to join NATO and adopt NATO standard munitions.
Heck, why not just make all magazines for all Brit American and EU weapons interchangeable.
Phase out the 9mm pistol/SMG round for cooler stuff like the 10mm auto and 5.7x 28 mm or 4.6x 30 mm for dealing with body armour.
Adopt the Steyr ACR if they can find a way to make it work.
Get the UKandUS to agree on how to mark targets for artillery. The UK first states the position of the target THEN the position of the friendly that spotted it, The US does this THE OTHER WAY AROUND and does not listen when told that other people do it differently. And we wonder why we had so many blue-on-blue deaths in the first stages of the Iraq war.
Be nice to Canada_and the Australians and Kiwis, because if we don’t were going to end up fighting alongside the Americans for the next hundred years that they keep getting confused by trees and things and shooting our troops.
Actually welcome troops back like the Americans and Canadians do.
And finally…
DON’T invade anywhere on spurious information, without a plan on how to reconstruct it afterwards, just because the Americans do. Look on the bright side, if any western nation does chicken out of a war, at least they’ll have company as long as_France still exists.
Avast me hearties! It be that time again for all buccaneers and Barbary corsairs to break out the long nines of lingo and quaff the grog of debauchery. It be International talk like a pirate day!
Yar, i may be incorrect, but is not international talk like a pirate day the most sacred day of the Pastafarian calender?are not ye pirates such as myself the original Pastafainians and supreme beings of pastafarianisum? is it not also true, curly, that the drop in the number of pirates since the 1700's has caused global warming, and is it not also true that no Pastafarian can give ye a sermon in pastafarianisum unless he is wearing ye full pirate regalia, on pain of excommunication and banishment from pastafarian heven with its beer volcano and striper factory, to pastafarian hell where the beer is stale and the stripers' have STI's?
Yarrr! i want to see you speaking pirate until seven bells! Yarrrrrrrr! Avast!
Right now 13 people the world over will be reseaving the folowing massage under the same e-mail title as this post.
"I have just done a Tibetan personality test at this website and I am supposed to share the answers with 13 people. Here is the site http://memoriter.net/flash/test.html
Either that or I am not aidan and this is a cunning-as-a-Tibetan-fox spambot sending e-mails to try and get you to click on virus ridden links. Could be either. Use your judgment. My answers are
Horse, tiger, sheep, cow, pig,
Faithful, intelligent, cunning, rich endless,
Kat B, Rob Smith, Kim, My sister Imogen, my step-mum Helen.
13, Friday.
Thanks all.
Aidan."
What would you attempt to do if you knew you could never fail?
Submitted by BeckyPink.
Either parachute jumps without a parachute of world domination. Bwahahahahaha!
What celebrity do you most often get told you resemble?
Submitted by Leets.
Harry Potter. I wouldn't mind, but I am not the worlds biggest fan. I'll read them and enjoy it, but I don't take them seriously and I am mildly amused every time someone sends up the hype. Frankly I laughed out loud when i saw, the day after harry potter and the half-blood prince came out, a billboard over the M25 declaring "Dumbledor Dies. Ha Ha!" I wouldn't mind if the newly released final book ends "Rocks fall, everybody dies." or ends, as Rhys suggested, mid sentence 12 pages in followed by an entire book of pictures of JK Rowling pointing and laughing as she rubes herself with handfuls of fifty pound notes.
Who would you call with your one phone call if arrested? (No lawyers!)
probably my parents or my drinking Buddy Rob, or best friends Will or Dan. Although, it remains tempting to make a long distance call to an offshore company that charges hundreds per minute, and charges the first half hour in advance, just because the police are paying for the call. I like the police; they do not try to arrest me so I am quite content not to arrest them, and I hope this state of affairs continues for a long time.
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(it's a joke).
What do you think your pets would act like if they were people? Do you think you'd get along with them?
Submitted by Melissa.
I think i would have to get on with them, as a Cat I'm sure Sushi would atempt world-domination if human!
Although... she is not the shiniest dommesday mashine in the lair. She's more this sort of cat....
